The End of the Beginning

I feel all sorts of feelings posting this, but it's something that should be shared.
This is the end of "In Which, I Write."
This will be the last post on this blog. But it will not be the last blog post I make. My blog is not ending, it is just switching locations.
If you would like to read more of what I have written, you can find all new and old writings at shaughnessygreene.wordpress.com
There are a few reasons that I have decided to make this switch. The Biggest one being I wanted a new format.
I hope that you continue to follow my writings and catch up on my thoughts and notes at the new site.  But even if you don't, I hope you have gained something from listening to the ramblings that I've posted over the last year.
I appreciate you.

With Love,
Shaughnessy

Playing the Waiting Game

"Wait for the Lord; Be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" -Psalm 27:14

I'm not a naturally patient person.
Just trying to be honest, I'm not very good at being patient.
I like to get things done.
I like to initiate.
And I like to not have a to-do list hanging over my head.
In short, I'm very bad at waiting.
And I don't just mean for the big and exciting things, although those are really hard to hold on for, but for everything.
If I make plans to go see a movie with somebody over the weekend, it will take every ounce of inner-strength I've got to keep me from googling the ending before we go.
If my mom tells me that she's making my favorite meal for dinner, I'll spend my whole day watching the clock, until suppertime.
When I start a new book, I'll read the first chapter, then the last page, then the rest of the book just because I can't wait for the conclusion.
Waiting is something that I'm just not naturally talented at.
And so, when I realized that somehow I had slipped into a season of waiting, I yelled and screamed and got angry with God (because I know better than Him, right?)


When I graduated high school, I had no clue where I was supposed to be going.
I had gotten accepted into  three different schools (one of them being a school I had wanted to go to since I was a little girl), I had been accepted onto a three month missions trip to Thailand, and I was being interview for a spot in a Master's Commission in England (which I was convinced was for me).
And I had no idea which of these paths was the one I was being called down.
So I did what anybody, trying to live a Godly life does, in times of decision making, I prayed.
I prayed more often than I had ever prayed before.
And the prayers I was praying were desperate, long-winded, and deeper than I had ever gone with God.
And the more I prayed the less I felt called to any of the options I had laying out before me.
And so I did what everybody in my life warned me against doing, I declined all of these options, picked up more hours at the Daycare I was employed by, and trusted that when the right thing came along I would recognize it.
Thus, I entered into a year-long period of waiting.

I was anticipating something better to come my way, instead of trying to thrive with the situations I was in.
Instead of using my singleness as a chance to grow in Christ and learn more about myself, I was anticipating  my next relationship to start.
Instead of using my time working full-time as a teacher to grow in my discipleship with God and save money for my future, I was anticipating the start of college.
Instead of using my time living at home as a way to grow more with my parents and siblings, I was anticipated the day I could move out.
Like I said, I'm not naturally patient.
And living a happy life in the past year of waiting has been extremely hard.
I did't want to let myself be happy.
I didn't want to be comfortable with my waiting.
I didn't want to let God move in my life.
I didn't want to grow.
And yet, despite me being adimately against it all, it still all happened.
In the past year, I've grown as a person.
I've grown  as a family member.
And I've grown in my relationship with Christ.

My time in the waiting season isn't over.
There's still a lot of things I'm waiting on.
I still haven't started college.
I still am single.
I still live with my parents.
But the waiting isn't agonizing anymore.
I'm not constantly looking around for the next thing.

In fact, I think I've turned from "waiting for the next thing" to "thriving where I'm planted".

I've built up my savings account.
I've never been more involved in my church family.
I've become closer to my natural family.
I've grown as a youth group leader.
I've receive a couple promotions.
And I've built a stronger relationship with God than I've ever had before.

My season of waiting hasn't been very easy.
In fact, it's been very hard for me to do.
Playing the waiting game has been a hard chapter of my life.
But it's been a very worthwhile chapter of my life.
It's been a chapter that's taught me a lot about myself and about God.
It's been a chapter I needed.
And it's been a chapter that, looking back, I wouldn't trade for anything.

An 18 Months Difference

I have a brother who happens to be 18 months my junior.
There is an 18 month difference in our ages, grades, experiences, friend groups, and lives.
18 months. That's it.
An 18 month difference, between myself and my favorite guy.
And those 18 months seem like such a small thing, when writing about them on a blog that I'm not even sure anybody reads.
Or when I'm acting as a youth leader at the youth group he attends.
Or when he and his friends ask me to coach their soccer team.
Or when I think about the fact that I just graduated last year, and he's going to be graduating next year.
But then there are times when it feels like the biggest difference in the world.
Like when I drive a 90 minute round trip to pick him up from his SAT testing.
Or when my parents are gone for the evening so I make dinner for him.
Or when I think about the fact that he's never had a job and when I was his age I was working full time at a place I'd been employed by since I was 15.
An 18 month difference.

Sometimes I think about those 18 months.
About what my parents must have been going through at the time they had him.
 Because, when my little brother was born I was going through treatment for cancer.
His birthday is his birthday, because my parents had to pick a day that didn't conflict with my treatment schedule, so they induced him around my schedule.
He was named after one of my doctors.
And he spent a huge part of his younger years following me through hospitals and treatment centers.
And sometimes I feel like he's been following me ever since.

Because it's hard to be so close in age and not always be following each other around.
We've always been in the same Sunday school classes.
We've played on the same soccer teams.
We've created imaginary games and worlds together.
We've gone to the same High School at the same time.
We've had the same friends.

And yet, despite all of the things that we do that are exactly the same, I still feel responsible for him.
I still feel like I'm supposed to be an example for him.
I still feel like I'm supposed to watch over him, and protect him from things I know will harm him.
I still feel like I'm supposed to drive him places, and treat him to a movie, and buy him dinner.
I still feel like I'm supposed to give him life advice, and tell him what to do, and help him with things.
I still feel like I'm supposed to jump in between him and anyone that wants to do him wrong.
And maybe I'm the only one. Maybe that's not something all older sisters feel, maybe it's only because we are so close in age that I feel so responsible for him.

Or maybe, these feelings would be worse if I was way older.
Maybe if I was already in my mid-to-late twenties and living on my own I feel even worse because I wouldn't be around him all the time.
Maybe some of these feelings are less because of my brother and me, and more because my family has gone through so much in the past several years.
Maybe I wouldn't be so protective over him, if there hadn't had been so many things to protect him from.
Maybe if I hadn't gotten so hurt so many times in so many different ways, I wouldn't care as much if he did.
Maybe, Maybe, Maybe....

I live my life in the perpetual world of Maybes.
Maybes and What ifs and Almosts, are what I spend most of my time thinking about.
From big things to small things.
Maybe I should have slowed down a little bit on that turn.
What if I had saved more of my paycheck?
I guess I almost made it.
I live my life in the perpetual land of these thoughts.

And a lot of those thoughts are about my wonderful younger brother.
Don't get me wrong, I love him.
And I love that he and I are so close in age, because there's a lot of good that comes with it.
Like the times when he will sing along to Uptown Funk or Nikki Minaj with me windows down and the radio at full volume, whenever we drive anywhere.
Or the times when I make pop culture references around my parents and he's the only one that understands.
Or the times, like tonight, when I have to pack for a theme day at a camp and have nothing that fits the theme, so he gives me a shirt to wear.
Or the times when we are hanging out at the county fair with some friends, and he sees somebody look at me creepily, so he comes up and put his arm around my shoulders until the guy walks away (Or when he doesn't tell me that this is why he put his arms around my shoulders until after we got home, because he knew I'd probably freak out).
So all-in-all, my younger brother being a not-that-much-younger-brother is a bigger blessing than it is anything else.

Being his older sister, by 18 months, greatly enriches my life, and I honestly don't think I'd have been able to make it through some of the things I've gone through without him.
And even if he sometimes gets on my nerves,
Like when he tries to convince me that I need to do half of his chores, because two weeks ago when I was in another state, he did it all by himself.
Or when he tells mom the name of the boy I have a crush on, so my mom starts constantly asking me if the guy's asked me out yet.
Or when he's driving my car, and break checks while I'm in the back seat.
Or when he comes into my room and lays on my bed without asking.
The list could continue for eternity, because my younger brother is super annoying.
But he's a lot of other things too.
He's kind.
He's compassionate.
He's comical.
He's humble.
He's patient.
He's energetic.
He's a hard-worker.
He's determined.
He's an upstanding young man of God.
And I couldn't be more proud to be his 18 months older sister.

My 18 month younger brother and I at church a few weeks ago.

What is Beauty?

 The following piece is a spoken word poem I wrote and performed for a Fine Arts Performance in 2014.  Warning: In the following piece harsh topics are addressed (i.e. self-harm, eating disorders, suicide, bullying, self-hate, etc..) If any of those subjects are sensitive areas for you, or something that might trigger you, I would encourage you to forgo reading this post. Thank you!




Ever since I was a child,
I allowed other's words to define me.
And the harshness of their tones,
Erased my concepts of reality.
Unplanned pregnancy, Unwanted-Daughter,
Cancer-kid, God-Healed.
I was always somebody's relative,
Somebody's miracle,
Somebody's answered prayer,
And never somebody.

And adolescence didn't fix this,
But adolescence changed this.
I was no longer know by my experiences,
But rather, By my appearances.
Fat, Pale, Freckly, Crooked-eyes, Broad-shoulders,
Wide-hips, "I can see your veins through your skin", Translucent.

And the harsher and harder the words became,
The more ways I looked for to numb the pain.
And the heavier and heavier each meal became.
And the lighter and lighter the number on the scales became.
And the easier and easier the self-inflicted pain became.

Foundation never covers the scars in the way you think it should.
Did you know they turn brown, before they turn white?
Of corse, it all depends where on your body,
You plant your garden of self-hate.
My mother always said I had a green thumb.

And it wasn't until One night, at sixteen years old,
I sat, crying, on my bedroom floor,
Trying to ignore,
The voices, from the bottles of pills, and the blades,
And they promised to forever take away this pain,
When I heard a whisper, clear as day.
And He had important things to say.

"Daughter, I know you hear all these things telling you,
You're not pretty, You're not lovely, You're not worthy.
Daughter, they're just not true.
I made this life especially for you.
So you have to hold on.
You've tasted all of the bad and none of My good.
Daughter, I have miraculous things waiting for you.
So Give It Time."

And I realized that night that I can't let others' words define me.
Yes, I'm the cancer-kid.
Yes, I have wide hips.
Yes, you can see my veins through my skin.

But I learned that night, That others' words don't define me.
His words define me.
And He says that I am the
Epitome of Beauty.

Things to do when the depression tries to sneak back in.

1. Pamper yourself. Take a hot bath. Add bubbles or bath bombs or essentials oils or whatever you like. Do a face mask, homemade or store bought it doesn't matter. Let the opening and cleaning out of your pores, open up and clean out you soul.  Do a hair mask, and pray that the strengthening of the cells coming from your head can strengthen that thoughts it produces as well.  

2. Read sappy poetry.  Put yourself in the writers mind. Find something in the lines that you can relate to. Pretend that the sad breakup the poet is creating art about is the breakup of your emotions from your body.  That the way they write about getting through heartbreak is about getting through a bad mental day. Keep reading until you find something that inspires you to keep going. 

3. Eat fresh oranges. Or a smoothie. Or flavored water made with fresh fruit.  Consume something that makes you feel good about your health, but don't weigh yourself. Because no matter how much weight you've lost it won't be enough on days like today.  

4. Watch your favorite comedy.  Let the crappy jokes with perfect timing take your mind off of the crappy disease with crappy timing.  Let yourself laugh. Let yourself be taken to a reality that doesn't have sadness or anger or bitterness. A place with only happy. Pretend you live there for a while. 

5. Create something.  A poem, a painting, a promise to your best friend that you'll tell them when you get bad days. Create a masterpiece full of purpose and promise for your future.  Knit, or bake, or sew something.  Do something that makes you feel creative and talented.  Put your pain to good use, so that other people can look at your art for inspiration on their bad days.  

SAVING

 

There was a girl once, a legend she was.

With fire and passion she lived and she loved,

But passion and fade and fires burn out.

And so she was left, another fallen relic of what once could’ve been.

And when the monsters came in she lost the fight,

She lived her life in the middle of a never ending night

 

This is the part of our story where the prince should arrive,

Noble stead and ability to save her, his supplies.

But ‘twas not the case for this precious girl,

She had no prince nor king who could rescue her,

So she sat alone one night on her bedroom floor.

With a bottle of pills that seemed like a cure.

 

But drug cocktails made from medicine cabinet leftovers

Can’t fix what’s broken on the inside of her.

This is not the average fairy tale;

No apples pumpkins or spinning wheels.

 

 

This is not the story of a lost little girl who finds love and a new home.

There is nothing romantic about the heartbreak she housed.

The part of the story that becomes poetic, is not the pain.

But the way she choose to end the eternal game.

On the carpeted floor of her private place,

She prepared to leave, gone without a trace.

 

 

Something caught her attention from the corner of her eye.

She looked at the picture of her siblings, ready to say goodbye.

But the words wouldn’t come, and the tears slowly faded.

She looked in the mirror and realized she was jaded.

She slowly stood and looked herself in the eye,

And with a revelation said “I don’t want to die”

 

And she doesn’t know how it happened, but she’s not sad anymore.

One day the sunrise just made her smile again.