10 things I wish I could tell my 15 year old self.

1) she's not a good person for you to be friends with, and you're going to learn that soon. But not before you get your heart broken. 

2) when he tells you he loves you, don't lie and say it back.  He doesn't deserve to be lied to, and you don't deserve to live in that lie.

3) eat something. Please. 

4) it sucks that he's not even in the same state for your birthday. It does. But, that is the type of anger that hurts you more than others. So move on. 

5) forgive her. And forgive yourself. Because people don't come back from the dead, and you can't spend the rest of your life angry that you got what she didn't. 

6) just because your parents or a teacher tell you something does not mean it is fact.  Learn to question everything. Even the things that go with your gut instinct. Do research and reading. If nothing else, you know how to defend your believes when somebody wants to argue. 

7) you're 15. Sex doesn't matter. Stop acting like your better than others just because you haven't "done it". You haven't, others have.  Move on. 

8) spend more times with your cousins.  Don't wait to learn the same lesson twice.  Reach out now while you still have time to. 

9) there is no reason you have to keep in touch with people who suck out your happiness.  Cut off the rotten fruits of your old friendships. 

10) right now you are at a low point. You're really not liking 15.  And I'm sorry to say it, but 16 is even worse. You're going to need to find something to hold onto.  Something to keep going for.  You're going to hit rock bottom, and then try to rebuild your life.  While keeping your whole struggle a secret. But you're going to succeed. And you're  going to create a whole new you. A you of badass haircuts, and stiletto heals, red lipstick, and leather jackets. You're  going to become passionate in a way nobody has seen you be before. You're going to stop holding your tongue. You're going to learn to speak in a manor that demands others respect.  Your life is going to burn to the ground.  But your going to rise like a Phoenix from the ashes.  

Friday Night

Tonight’s Friday night.

I made it through a year without you.

It was the hardest year of my life,

But I did it.

And I learned something because of it.

But Friday nights still get to me,

Because I know that if you were still in my life,

We’d have plans together tonight.

We’d have a sleepover at your house,

Like we always did.

We’d stay up all night talking.

We’d listen to each other complain about our families.

Despite the fact that they were in the rooms next to us.

And what a pair we were,

The “golden child”, that hated her sister,

Because she wasn’t as popular as you.

And the “average girl”,

Growing up in a family full of unremarkable talent,

Just trying to find her own passion.

I made new friends this year,

But it’s not the same.

I can’t speak candidly to them,

Like I always did with you.

They don’t know what I’m going to say before I say it,

Like you always did with me.

They don’t sing the Winnie-the-pooh theme song with me at 1am,

Like we always did with each other,

Despite the fact that everybody else in the house was asleep.

My new friends don’t understand my past,

Like you always did.

They’ve never seen the house I grew up in,

You helped me pack it up to move.

I love them,

And they are good people,

But you were family,

You were my extra sister,

And my new friends and I aren’t that close.

I kinda doubt we ever will be.

In the past year,

I’ve grown as a person.

I’ve changed,

I stopped letting others dictate my choices.

I started doing what I like.

I got another piercing,

I cut 2 feet off my hair,

I stopped taking Spanish.

I’ve had a good year,

But it’s been hard.

And Friday nights are always the hardest.

The night before the last day of senior year

Tomorrow is my last day of high school.
One more final, and I will have achieved everything that I've spent the last four years working towards.
This is the part where I'm supposed to be overjoyed or have some amazing emotional advice for all those who don't believe that senior year will go by as quickly as it does.
And I really want to be able to say to that I am celebrating the last school night I will ever have, by reminiscing with my amazing friends and revising for my government final tomorrow. But the truth is I've spent the last thirty minutes texting my best friend Mady in tears, because I'm not ready. I'm not ready to be done. I'm not ready to never see my friends and teachers again. And I'm not ready to move on from the person that my high school experience has made me into.
I really wish that I could have that moment in movies when the girl gets to talk to herself from the past. I want thirty seconds with the person I was when I walked through the doors of McCutcheon for the first time.
I wish I could tell her how much she would grow and change.
I wish I could warn her how many friends she'd loose.
I wish I could talk to her about how many times the adults around her would fail her.
But life is funny, in that you don't get the lesson until you deal with the heartache.
So I degrees.
I've never been good at organization.
In fact, there are a hundred things I'm not very good at.
Cooking, sewing, running, hula-hoops, science, etc....
The list goes on and on.
But one thing I have always had a knack for is my words.
I like to write. I like to express myself through words.
I think words have a power that none of us can master through any other way.
But I can't find a word for the feeling in my chest right now.
But whatever it is, it's making breathing a little difficult.